How I feel
by Sabaku no Keiko
Summary: A short two-chapter story of our two favorite characters writing some sort of love letters. SMacked. Maybe.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Stella.

I never thought I would write you a letter like that. I have hoped that we would meet again. But it seems like that wouldn't happen so far. I know you've got much to do with your own lab down there in New Orleans and your new co-workers… But, be sure, I know how you feel. So… the reason I wrote this letter is because I have to tell you how I feel. When you were still in here in New York, I wasn't man enough to tell you. Now this letter is my only chance to open my heart for another time.

I know there have been hard times between us. I know there were good times. And that you were there for me, every time I needed it. I don't know if you feel the same about me. But I hope so. Now that you're away, I realize how much you mean to me. When you were still there, it was a kind of daily routine to see you at work and talk with you… and the way you comforted me. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was just because I was afraid of being in a relationship again. Maybe because I was afraid that I would lose you or you would leave me. I don't know. I'm also not good in writing this letters I'm writing now, but it has to be done, right? So let's start with the great memories.

Do you remember when we sat down by the water, after your first case and I put my arm around your shoulder the first time because you were so frightened that every case would be as scary as the first? I laughed and told you about MY first case. That was when you laughed, too, and began talking about your past and how you came to NYPD. I listened carefully and stroke your back while you talked about everything you could to get rid of it. Or the moment when Don and I were in that house which exploded and he nearly died. You comforted me and told me all the time that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have stopped the bomb. There's also the one on Danny's and Lindsay's wedding. We held each other in an embrace and laughed and cried at the same time. Wonderful memories. Beautiful. But my favorite memory is the Christmas Party when the others posed as pixies. And we held each other in our arms. And that was the moment when you told me that you love me. You remember?

I love you, Stella. I really do. And I can't believe why I didn't realize that when you were near me that night. When you were right beside me. When you were in my arms and held my hand. I love you and forever will. Every night I can just think of your face and see how much I miss you. When you read this, I'm taking a few days sick off and buying a plane ticket to New Orleans. To see you again.

Love,

Mac


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Mac.

After I read your letter, you knocked at my door and I opened it without hesitation. When we kissed, I felt that you love me. I realized that I shouldn't have transferred to New Orleans because I saw that you need me in New York. That you need me near you. And that you need the city. It keeps you awake, to get over the pain you've experienced the years before. And I can understand that you will stay there. You belong to the city. I respect that. And I've made a decision. After you went away when the week had passed, I sat at the couch and thought about our relationship. I thought about all we have gone through. About all the memories we have together. When I told you that I love you that Christmas night, I had realized what I really felt for you and wanted to tell you before it was too late. You looked at me like I was telling a whopper, but I really meant it. And that you couldn't tell me at that time, I understand. If I were you, I would have done the same.

The respect we have for each other is kind of weird, but I think it's the weirdness which keeps our love alive. The weirdness, that we can understand each other with just one look, without a word. I think that is why our love is so special, don't you think?

And yes, I remember the moment after my first case. It felt so good to get rid of all the cruel and sad memories which I had experienced in my childhood. And it felt so good to tell YOU about it. The reason I told you all this is because you remember me so much of myself. We both have seen very sad things, experienced pain and lost the ones we love. And that very often. You're my soul mate, Mac. That's very important for me, because I never had really friends in my life. I was always so afraid of getting hurt and being left alone again. I think you understand.

I do love you, too, Mac Taylor. You're the love of my life and I would never want to spend the rest of my life with someone else. You can be sure of that. When you read this, I'm quitting my job and introducing a colleague to his new job. I'm buying a plane ticket to New York and calling Sinclair, if I can have my job back. I'll be there at 10.00 p.m. at your apartment.

Love,

Stella


End file.
